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Another reason to be thankful during Chuseok

I won’t even try and be cute with this one – I will just let the piece speak for itself.

I’ve been married to a Korean man for 2 years now. I am 26 and he is 28.

After confronting him he has admitted that he has cheated on me several times with Korean women. He said that he first started dating foreign women because he thought we are more open minded but now he sees I’m not what he preconceived.
I would find it very difficult to get over him cheating with another Caucasian but I can’t compete with Korean women because I’m not one.

He also said that cheating is a non-spoken agreement between all married couples in Korea.
He said he loves me but he doesn’t know if he can live without meeting other women on the side.
Is this a cultural thing really or there’s just no point sticking around? Thank you.

Anybody got any advice?  Is yours better than Dr. P’s? – From On The Couch with Dr. P (Korea Times, Sept 29, 2012):

  • http://www.chinasmack.com/tag/funny/page/3 Jakgani

    I’ve been married to a Korean man for 2 years now. I am 26 and he is 28.

    After confronting him he has admitted that he has cheated on me several times with Korean women. He said that he first started dating foreign women because he thought we are more open minded but now he sees I’m not what he preconceived.
    I would find it very difficult to get over him cheating with another Caucasian but I can’t compete with Korean women because I’m not one.

    He also said that cheating is a non-spoken agreement between all married couples in Korea.
    He said he loves me but he doesn’t know if he can live without meeting other women on the side.
    Is this a cultural thing really or there’s just no point sticking around? Thank you.

    You want the bad news or the worse news? Because what I am going to say isn’t going to be pretty.

    He said that he first started dating foreign women because he thought we are more open minded, however, he really thought that foreign women would just shut up and let him do whatever he wanted.

    The fact that he was using other women for sex, when he had you is further proof that he was being selfish and disregarding you as a means to intimacy.

    I’m not going into it too much, but the pattern is there of a man who puts his selfish lower desires above your rights as a wife. While instead he could have been with you: nurturing your relationship, having sexual intimacy and having a lot of fun. Imagine how strong your marriage would be if he had done that.

    Your husband’s behavior is driven by two different, but very powerful, emotions: Attachment and sexual desire.

    In all likelihood, you husband is deeply attached to you. He wants you in his life and he draws comfort and security from your relationship. At the same time, however, sexual desire is a very powerful motivator.

    And more often than people like to acknowledge, these two fundamental emotions pull people in opposite directions. We all want a partner and companion with whom we can share our life. And most people want an active and satisfying sex life. Unfortunately, it can be hard to maintain a passionate and sexually exciting relationship over the course of time.

    Couples have the most passionate and intense sex in the first couple years together. Gradually, couples have sex less often and with less intensity the longer they have been together. This does not mean that couples can not have a long-term sexually satisfying relationship, but it does indicate that passion and intensity fade with time.
    —————————————————————-

    So you have a choice to make and it comes down to this:

    You need to decide what you want from your marriage. You need to decide if you can accept what has happened, but there’s another catch to it. You need to know if you can accept it happening again. Yes, that’s the hardest part: realizing based on his pattern of behavior that he may do this to you again. That’s the decision before you.

    You also have to decide if you can forgive him. This is your marriage, you know yourself better than me and you must seek guidance from Allah (swt). If you do decide this, you need to involve yourselves into some type of marriage counseling. He definitely has an avenue to fulfill his needs with you as his wife, so there’s something else inside of himself that he needs to confront. This is up to you both.

    Some people may recommend a second marriage for him, but I don’t believe that it will do anything to quell his lust. Right now, I think enjoys being unfaithful, to be honest.

    Value yourself, consider what you need and want, and most importantly what you will not tolerate anymore.

    In my experience, until you assess what you truly desire and demand from him without exceptions, this marriage will continue this way.

    Some things you could try:

    1. Nag less. A husband’s happiness is inversely proportional to the amount of nagging he receives at home.

    2. Have sex, frequently. Even initiate sex once in a while. The more intimacy your husband gets from home, the less likely he will look for it outside the home.

    3. Let your husband eat what he wants. Dietary nagging is still nagging, even if it’s for his own good. Husbands will follow from your example; just eat healthfully yourself, and he will change on his own.

    4. Cook his favorite meals every week so that he looks forward to coming home.

    5. Associate with happily married couples. They can be a good influence and remind your husband that being married is better than being single.

    7. Most importantly, make time for your husband. Listen to him when he talks, even if it bores you out of your mind. Many men seek comfort in emotional affairs because they get no attention at home. Treat your husband the way you would like to be treated.

    8. If there is something that your spouse has mentioned he/she finds sexy on you, go buy a gross of it.

    Finally, I assume I don’t need to mention this but, when a man cheats it’s HIS fault. He steps outside the vows of the relationship and the blame for the infidelity is his. Make no mistake.

    If he continues being unfaithful, then Divorce…… get PROOF of what ever you have in writing……any emails from these women, make sure the FULL HEADERS are showing so court can see it came from them..that helped me when my EX made threats years ago! No sense in staying in such a marriage……you need to be strong and get out now while you can.

  • http://www.chinasmack.com/tag/funny/page/3 Jakgani

    I see why many Korean girls just want to find a rich man to marry.

    they are going to play around on you whether poor or rich – so you might as well find a rich one – and just spend all his money.

    I also see why Korean mothers are so “attached/in love” with their sons.

    They love their sons more than their own husbands – because their sons usually don’t cheat on them until they are in High school – which gives them 15 years to have them all to themselves.

  • gbnhj

    A Korean telling a non-Korean ‘All Koreans do this – really, it’s a cultural thing – so you should understand my actions.’

    Hmm – haven’t heard that one before. Must be a one-off.

  • SomeguyinKorea

    “Couples have the most passionate and intense sex in the first couple years together. Gradually, couples have sex less often and with less intensity the longer they have been together.”

    That’s only true if the husband isn’t ethnically Italian, French, Spanish, Portuguese, or Latino. The Latin lover stereotype…It’s real. We’re always ready.

  • hardyandtiny

    Korean divorce rate is at 50% and rising

  • http://ulsanonline.com martypants

    My Korean wife runs a hairshop. She has lots of female friends come by and chat during the day. She tells me most of them are married and have boyfriends, too. I asked her if the same is true of men in Korea and she says yes, most male customers tell her they have girlfriends – and would she like to be one of them? No proof, but I suspect she’s accepted once or twice, because “everyone does it”

  • 삼촌 팬

    Why be a vector for STD or HIV?

  • PeterDownUnder

    When I visited Korea last year and hung out with some Korean mates of mine I learnt a phrase that has stuck with me.

    When my friend was asked by a one night romp if he had a girlfriend his reply was “밥만 먹고 살순 없잔아”. Meaning “One can’t live only on rice” as in you need the side dishes too.

    This eloquent phrase impressed me oh so much at the time and still does, and probably explains the Korean mindset. The prevalence of both men and women visiting ‘night clubs” with bookings shows this I reckon.

  • PeterDownUnder

    #4 Someguyinkorea

    Something I learnt from a coworker is that theres a saying, if you put a bean in a jar for everytime a newlywed consumates in the first 2 years and then proceed to take one bean out everytime following the first 2 years, their still would be beans left in the jar until the end.

    Another interesting phrase I learnt from this married older cooworker at the time was. “A household shouldn’t have two pockets. As in one spouse should handle the financials.

  • http://www.busanhaps.com Bobby McGill

    Better do something before they get into “get into a serious matrimonial quarrel.” Harsh outcomes foreseen by Dr. P.

  • R. Elgin

    “Jakani”, “having sex often” only works if the man has not lost interest in his wife. This can and does happen too.

  • Sonagi

    “If your husband’s conflict would not be solved, his cheating behavior will be repeated continuously, your suffering will never stop. It would be better for you to be separated with your husband before the baby will be born in this case. ”

    The husband cheated with numerous women before and after getting married. I think it’s safe to say his behavior will “be repeated continuously”. The good doctor is right that it’ll be easy for her to make a clean getaway with no kids yet and very little joint property.

  • Q

    She might advertise her husband’s infidelity on billboard and say that it is English cultural thing and he should understand her action:

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-421431/Scorned-wife-advertises-husbands-infidelity-2-500-billboard.html

    “And may Christ Jesus send
    Us husbands meek and young and fresh abed,
    And then the grace to outlive those we wed;
    I also pray that Jesus shorten lives
    Of those who won’t be governed by their wives;
    As for old niggards angered by expense,
    God send them soon a mighty pestilence!” (Wife of Bath, 1258-1264)

  • hamel

    Q: is this another tu quoque?

  • Q

    No, I just liked to speak for her.

  • brier

    Korea sparkles its own cesspool clesn up. Yeah?

  • gbnhj

    Q, it’s a fantastic story – marvelous, really – except for two things: 1) they’re both English, and 2) the husband never told the wife that this was a cultural aspect that she should understand and/or accept. Other than that, you got an upset wife who’s made a decision, versus a woman who’s still undecided, about her husband’s infidelity.

    You’re right about one though: it’s not tu quoque. For that, it would actually have to be the same. Keep digging.

  • RolyPoly

    ” Have sex, frequently. Even initiate sex once in a while. The more intimacy your husband gets from home, the less likely he will look for it outside the home.”

    Most men cheat because they do not get enough at home. Men are not dogs. But we have one weakness – once in a while (this depends on age, health, genetic factor) we have to get it.

    A wife who does not meet this, the most important, need must go.

    And a wife who uses this, men’s tenderest, weakness to her advantage by withholding sex to have her way whenever she feels like must burn in the lowest part of Hell.

    A woman who does not provide sex is like a husband who does not bring his paycheck home.

    That marriage is over. Kaput!

  • RolyPoly

    In average Korean men are better than other country’s men. Koreans have patience and most men still follow Confucian teachings. However, cheap sex and more temptations are readily available.

    Some Korean men are still pure in heart. http://0300pm.blog.me/50151264516

  • adhaglin

    “In average Korean men are better than other country’s men. Koreans have patience and most men still follow Confucian teachings.”

    ㅋㅋㅋ

  • keyinjpop

    Apparently, some Korean men are doormats as well.
    http://news.nate.com/view/20120927n00266

  • slim

    Infidelity was brought to Korea by Japan in about 1914, somebody will eventually say here.

  • Q

    I do not agree with RP’s statement “in average Korean men are better than other country’s men” nor do I concur with her husband’s saying “cheating is a non-spoken agreement between all married couples in Korea.” She has every single right to demand his responsibility and fidelity for marriage. Anyhow both pledged it at wedding and it was he who broke it.

  • Railwaycharm

    Take him in the bedroom and suck the bedsheets right up his ass, he will stay home.

  • JK

    No one said that, Slim. As usual, YOU did.

  • http://gypsyscholarship.blogspot.com/ jefferyhodges

    “Infidelity was brought to Korea by Japan in about 1914, somebody will eventually say here.”

    And somebody would be wrong! Infidelity had already reached Dokdo by 1905!

    Jeffery Hodges

    * * *

  • http://www.chinasmack.com/tag/funny/page/3 Jakgani

    To bad about the low standards of wedded couples.
    And they think Gays are going to destroy the institution?
    California was safe with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

    It also explains why so many 15/16/17 year old Korean children start hating their fathers (for continually coming home late and drunk)…

    I always just put it down to “they’ve finally become teenagers”…

    but maybe I should have been thinking “they’ve finally discovered why their father comes home late and drunk each night”.

  • dokdoforever

    There may be Koreans who cheat. I’ve met some of them. But there are other Koreans who don’t. I know many of them as well. Unless someone comes up with some real data I’m not going to conclude that cheating Koreans are more or less prevalent than cheating Westerners.

  • Arghaeri

    Anyhow both pledged it at wedding and it was he who broke it.

    Did they? Is this part of the korean civil marriage registration. I don’t know, but I kind of got the impression Koreans just go to the local government office register and sign abd that pretty much it?

    Can anyone clear this up from first hand experience?

  • iMe

    Divorce rates for just about ALL nations hover around 50%. Get off your high horses, ladies. We are all human here.

  • http://www.chinasmack.com/tag/funny/page/3 Jakgani

    If every second marriage ends in divorce – why bother to get married then?

    seems like a waste of time and money.

    why do gays want to get married – just so they can get a divorce also?

    hahahaha

  • http://www.chinasmack.com/tag/funny/page/3 Jakgani

    It seems the countries with the HIGHEST divorce rates are:

    Russian
    then Belarus (Eastern Orthodox country)
    then Ukraine
    then Moldova
    then Cayman islands
    then USA
    then Bermuda
    then Cuba
    then Lithuania
    then Czek Republic
    then Puerto Rico
    then UK
    then NZ
    then Australia

    and all these countries – even though they are the countries with the highest divorce rates – all have different rates of divorce

    so, saying ALL countries have a 50% divorce rate is wrong.

  • dokdoforever

    I think the general point was that Korea’s divorce rate is similar to many other nations. Back to that one woman with the cheating husband who claimed that cheating husbands were the norm in Korea, but that wives just have to put up with it. That was probably more true 20 years ago. Korea used to have one of the lowest divorce rates in the world. Women wouldn’t divorce because there were fewer employment opportunities back then, and the social stigma against divorce was more severe. Now I think cheating is more likely to lead to divorce, unless maybe if the guy is extremely wealthy.

    So, if Korean divorce rates are similar to other countries – why does cheating draw so much more attention in Korea? I think it’s because of the big gap between superficial appearances and reality in Korea. In Korea everyone cares deeply about appearing to be virtuous in front of their colleagues and acquaintances. We can thank Confucius for that. But people being people, they still have desires, and behave entirely differently when no one’s watching. Koreans aren’t bigger cheaters than people in other countries, they’re just bigger hypocrites.

  • Arghaeri

    That doesn’t quite make sense considering a lot of the occasion where cheating occurs in Korea are male group bonding occasions.

  • CactusMcHarris

    I”m going to attribute it to the arrogance of the person / culture cell that person is in – there must be many monogamous Koreans (as there are in other countries).

    I’d say to the woman if monogamy is a requirement of the marriage, then get out of it – he’s likely not going to change, but miracles can happen.

  • iMe

    Even though I’m happily married with kids, I have my moments when I wonder if I would’ve been happier had I not gone ahead and agreed to what is essentially a contract with my wife. Honestly, marriage isn’t for everyone. If you find a mate you’re happy with, there’s no need to file a document to prove you’re together or any of that bullshit. Do what makes you happy. Life’s too short to complicate it. Just try not to hurt others while pursuing your own happiness.

    But if cheating makes you happy? Well, that’s life. Proceed at your own risk. Especially if you have something important to lose, ie kids, money, house, etc.

  • jk641

    I think it’s best to pick a spouse and stick with him/her for life.
    I wouldn’t want to end up all alone in my old age. That would be sad.

  • broona

    There is an expression for getting married: tying the knot. It’s really hard to undo the knot after binding your life with another person. Personally, I’m also happily married and I’m glad I did. It’s not just a contract for me, but a symbol of our binding knot, of our intertwined lives. I don’t think it would’ve felt special if we had decided to “just” cohabit.

  • CactusMcHarris

    #38,

    In case you didn’t know, there’s a male (?) Korean version of the expression for not being married -’I haven’t eaten tasty noodle soup yet 아직 맛이 있는 국수 안먹었읍니다. I think it goes hand-in-hand with tying the knot quite….handily.

  • broona

    #39, never heard of it. A Chinese version would be: I haven’t eaten tasty chow mein yet; Japanese – I haven’t eaten tasty ramen yet; Vietnamese- I haven’t eaten tasty pho yet.

  • babotaengi

    I’ve eaten quite a few tasty meat pies. But boy do I wish my diet wasn’t now restricted to a kimchi flavored one.

  • http://www.chinasmack.com/tag/funny/page/3 Jakgani

    Hmm.. A kimchi bulgogi pie…..

    Nah.. can’t match the humble Aussie Jack Daniels BBQ pork ribs pie
    or the chilli caramel pork belly and beef cheek with proscuitto and Brie pie.

  • DooBoo

    I think it’s interesting to see some of the replies with the so called sayings and quotes. I’m a Married korean male of 5 years as of this past weekend who hasn’t cheated and no inclination to do so. One of the things I’ve noticed is that a lot of guys who do cheat, whether korean or a mix of other cultural friends I have in Canada, seem to stick together and propogate such quotes and sayings (different interesting and sometimes funny ones depending on country). It almost seems to go to a time of a pack mentality similar of peer pressure to smoking or maybe it’s to help the guilty feel less so by justify less guilt amongst themselves in a group. A lot of other guys I know who don’t cheat just kind of shrug during the topic when it comes up with a bunch of the boys out but don’t really say much due to not having to feel the need to cause an argument on a subject that really doesn’t matter to them much.

    I imagine maybe women to a similar degree are as such. Especially if it’s a clique of like minded women at a salon or whatnot.