More Yellow Fever Stuff

The WHIGGIE (White Guy Groupie)

A brief profile of Asian women afflicted with “white fever”

ORIGINS: A subset of women of Asian ethnicity, usually found residing
in major U.S. cities, although they have been known to appear overseas
occasionally. Closely related to their cousins, Yellow Cabs (Japan),
Gwei-Po’s (Hong Kong), Sarong Party Girls (Singapore), Twinkies and
Bananas.

NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH: Intelligent, emotionally-secure women who are
free of identity problems, self-hate, racial prejudice and chips on
their shoulders.

CHARACTER TRAITS:

- Poorly developed self-identity. Pathetically insecure with
themselvesand their ethnicity.

- Resentment of father’s traditional, authoritarian upbringing
(whether real or perceived).

- Brainwashed into believing that they, as AF’s, are more desirable
than other women in an exotic lotus blossum kinda way. Willingness
to pander to western media sexual stereotypes of AF’s, which they
perceive as a marketing advantage.

- Thoroughly whitewashed. Desperate need to fit into “mainstream”
(i.e. white) society and to distance themselves from their Asian
heritage. Racial inferiority complex.

- Feigned air of superiority when dealing with members of own race
and any other minority groups. In need of major attitude adjustments.

- Exaggerated, whiny, Encino-esque valley girl accent.

- Delusions of grandeur…”I want it all…and that begins with the
right (i.e. white) guy…”. Asian-American princess complex.

- Uncanny ability to determine one’s nationality, occupation, earnings
capacity and make of auto within three minutes of commencing a
conversation.

- Exaggerated perception of white males’ value in increasing AF’s social
status.

- Ignorant and narrow-minded, eager to adopt and perpetuate fallacious
western media stereotypes of Asian men.

- A compulsion to trash Asians, particularly Asian men, in order to
justify their autoracist tendencies, placate their guilt and bolster their
self esteem.

- Extremely shallow, self centered, argumentative and boring

- Disdains ethnic studies; regards it as a major threat to her
carefully constructed, self-deceptive whiggie identity

- Despises all Asian men, with the occasional exception of their
brothers (after all, they share the same genes)

- Believes that racism does not exist because she, as an AF, has
never experienced it first hand, or is too dense to realize it.
Besides, those asiaphiles are so nice to her (while plotting to get
into her pants)

- Gets a warm fuzzy feeling when watching The Joy Luck Club, while
snuggled up to her geeky asiaphile boyfriend.

- Believes that the only reason an Asian person would disrespect her
is because they are racist

- Has lost count of how many WM’s she’s done this month

- The wet-dream come true for socially-handicapped caucasian nerds who
are unable to attract caucasian women

- Threatened and insecure in the presence of any culturally-
perceptive Asian person or any AM not fitting her stereotype of the
quiet, marginalized, “model minority” geek

- Fundamentally insecure, utterly confused, lacking in self-respect

- Many aging whiggies, after being used and abandoned by WM’s in
favor of younger, more nubile whiggies and being rejected by AM’s
who see through their transparency, develop a bitterness towards
all men, period.

- Denial of all of the above

FACIAL EXPRESSIONS: a) Look of contempt when eyes meet those of any non-
white male, converting to beaming grin upon sighting of WM
victim/target; b) terminal pout or c) bimbo-ish expression that defies
deep thought.

TYPICAL ATTIRE: Anything trendy, mainstream-looking and seductive
(especially if it’s black and tight). Big hair (perhaps their most
valuable asset) tossed with hand every 15 seconds. Wonderbra. Fanatical
whiggies have been known to undergo certain procedures such as eyelid
surgery, breast augmentation and vaginal tightening operations in order
to increase their marketability to WM’s. Blue contact lenses and
bleached-blonde hair have even been sported on occasion. Note: attire
may vary depending on the specific type of WM being targeted.

I.Q.: Too low to measure.

NATURAL HABITAT:
Personal ad columns (“exotic, slim, SAF seeks successful, generous
SWM”), cheerleading squads, sorority houses (role: token “oriental
sisters”), T.V. newsdesks, B-grade Kung-Fu flicks, trendy nightclubs
(usually found necking with aging WM’s), Chinese restaurants (slumming
with the WM and demonstrating that she’s “in touch with her heritage”),
anywhere else frequented by white males.

TYPICAL WHIGGIE QUIPS:

age 10: “Mom, why do we have to be (Chinese/Japanese/Korean)?
Do you have to dress like that? And what’s with dad and his accent?

age 12: “Mom, I want an eyelid job for Christmas, okay?

Later on…

“I’ve always only dated white guys. I don’t know why, I just have.”

“Race doesn’t matter. I just happen to like white guys. It’s just a
preference.”

“We are the world, we are the children…We…..”

“I’ve gone out with all kinds of guys…Dutch, English, French, German,
you name it. Even went out with a Jewish guy once! After all, love is
color blind.”

“Eeeew, Jennifer, how could you go out with that (insert minority group
here) guy!? Totally gross!

“Ooh, Roger, you’re like, soooo strong and intelligent. Did you say you
drive a beemer? Kewl! (giggle)”

“I want learn English better…you maybe teach, handsome man? Are you
U.S. citizen?” (yes FOB’s can be whiggies too!)

“Like why would I want to go out with an Asian guy? They don’t own me
or anything. Uhh, and besides, they’re all male chauvinists..and
domineering too…yeah, that’s it! Didn’t you see The Joy Luck Club?”

Like, I’m dating *out* of my race, so how can I be racist?!! Duh!!

CLOSELY RELATED TO: Racists, bigots, wannabes, ho’s, chameleons, white
supremecists, a fish out of water

MEDIA REPRESENTATION/ROLE MODELS: Connie Chung, Amy Tan, Lisa Ling,
Margaret Cho, Sheryl Wu Dunn, any of The Joy Luck Club protagonists
(except the one who married an Asian dude).

NATURAL COUNTERPARTS: Asiaphiles…who else?